Sorry this has taken me so long. I wanted to write to you and for it to be somewhere. This was the only place I could think of that I knew you used to read. In a way it feels silly but the idea kept swirling round in my head. I wish I could have seen you one last time before you left. The only comfort I take from this is that you are no longer in any pain. I spent so long in denial, confident that you would still be here for your next birthday and I would finally get to go on holiday with you, I feel so guilty for not spending enough time with you and giving you all that false hope when they kept sending you home. You left us so fast it still feels unreal. There is so much left unsaid so many moments that I wanted to experience with you. I never imagined I could feel this hollow. Your funeral is on Friday I can’t believe how many people are going to be there. You impacted so many peoples lives. You were so strong and brave and you saved me from myself so many times I can’t even count. I miss your laugh, your Whatsapp messages, you holding my hand when I was nervous, your hugs, and your jokes. I miss how happy my dad was and I miss knowing my brother was going to be alright because he had a great mum. I miss feeling like a complete family and eating lunch with you in town. It still feels like you could turn up or message at any minute. I want to thank you for accepting me as your daughter, I know we were not blood related but I always saw you as mum in my eyes. I want you to know how much of a hero you are in my eyes, you took life head on and you didn’t let anything stop you. I want you to know that pictures and saved messages are not a good substitute and that I want my step mum back. I want to tell you so much. I guess most of this doesn’t really make sense to be writing on a stupid blog, but like I said I didn’t know where else to put it. I miss you Denise. I miss you and I love you so much. it’s nearly been a month and I am still in shock.
I know my writing is a mess, my words not translating my emotion as well I wanted to (I have to be honest the crying – typing technique isn’t helping) but I will endeavour to make you proud, I want to make people as happy as you did. I just hope that maybe I can feel happiness again myself because right now it feels like my heart has stopped and broken into shards.
I miss and love you so much.