Denise

Dear Denise,

Sorry this has taken me so long. I wanted to write to you and for it to be somewhere. This was the only place I could think of that I knew you used to read. In a way it feels silly but the idea kept swirling round in my head. I wish I could have seen you one last time before you left. The only comfort I take from this is that you are no longer in any pain. I spent so long in denial, confident that you would still be here for your next birthday and I would finally get to go on holiday with you, I feel so guilty for not spending enough time with you and giving you all that false hope when they kept sending you home. You left us so fast it still feels unreal. There is so much left unsaid so many moments that I wanted to experience with you. I never imagined I could feel this hollow. Your funeral is on Friday I can’t believe how many people are going to be there. You impacted so many peoples lives. You were so strong and brave and you saved me from myself so many times I can’t even count. I miss your laugh, your Whatsapp messages, you holding my hand when I was nervous, your hugs, and your jokes. I miss how happy my dad was and I miss knowing my brother was going to be alright because he had a great mum. I miss feeling like a complete family and eating lunch with you in town. It still feels like you could turn up or message at any minute. I want to thank you for accepting me as your daughter, I know we were not blood related but I always saw you as mum in my eyes. I want you to know how much of a hero you are in my eyes, you took life head on and you didn’t let anything stop you. I want you to know that pictures and saved messages are not a good substitute and that I want my step mum back. I want to tell you so much. I guess most of this doesn’t really make sense to be writing on a stupid blog, but like I said I didn’t know where else to put it. I miss you Denise. I miss you and I love you so much. it’s nearly been a month and I am still in shock.

I know my writing is a mess, my words not translating my emotion as well I wanted to (I have to be honest the crying – typing technique isn’t helping) but I will endeavour to make you proud, I want to make people as happy as you did. I just hope that maybe I can feel happiness again myself because right now it feels like my heart has stopped and broken into shards.

I miss and love you so much.

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My thoughts.

12/03/2019

I am not 100% if I want to go back to the more structured way of blogging I used to do or this more stripped back and simple way of blogging – any feedback welcome. I thought I would write like this today as I am in a bit of a hurry I am working the later shift today so I need to be getting ready for work in a couple of minutes and getting myself on the bus. I can’t wait until I can drive !! I wanted to write today though so here we go.

My weekend went rather fast but was nice. I had Saturday off and me and Stu decided to sort through all his clothes. He doesn’t actually have that many but it was good to completely clear out stuff he hasn’t worn in years. We went through mine last month and it was incredible how much I got rid of! We then spent the rest of the day doing light chores and playing Hitman 2 I also did some cross-stitch – I recently got a new pattern featuring a fox and it’s a little bit more detailed then I am used to but I am enjoying it! I had work on Sunday the shift actually went rather fast which I was happy about, we then went to Stu’s parents for Sunday dinner and to do early birthday celebrations for him. We had chocolate cake it was lovely.

Yesterday it was Stu’s birthday, he opened his presents in the morning I got him a mug featuring our favourite ice hockey team, a doodle journal and a Junji Ito book. I had the day off but unfortunately he didn’t, it was okay though because I used the time on my own to make a baked blueberry cheesecake for him. when he got back from work we ordered a Dominoes I had a gluten free pizza as normal pizza hurts my stomach quite a bit and Stu had a cheeseburger pizza I couldn’t resist and had to try a bit, thankfully I haven’t felt sick today! We then just played more Hitman 2.

Maybe not the most interesting of weekends (Mondays) but sometimes it’s nice to just take it a bit easier. Stu doesn’t like his birthdays to be made a big deal out of so I don’t try and force it. Anyway I must rush off now. Thanks for reading!! 🙂

Bonus Wheatley picture.
Get to know me

Lets catch up… February

Today is the last catch up I need to do before I can get back to blogging day to day. I have actually really enjoyed looking back on the months and writing about them I just hope they have been good to read!

New Nintendo 2DS:

In February I got myself to a new 2DS XL as it was on sale on the official Nintendo store with three games for most of the month. I loved my 3DS but I had, had it so long that it was looking a bit worse for wear and bits were falling off it. I wasn’t fussed about getting a system that could still do 3D so with some encouragement from Stu I decided to treat myself. I normally feel quite guilty if I buy myself something a bit more expensive but I am not regretting my purchase one bit. One of the games I received with it was Brain Training and I have been really enjoying playing that and as it is backwards compatible with old DS games I was able to find my old theme park game and play that too. 🙂

Vanilla sponge:

Me and Stu decided we wanted to make clotted cream in February but 4 or 3 days before the whipped creams best buy date we decided that it was just too much hassle, so we instead whipped it up and used it in a sponge cake, and it was so delicious, normally when I bake I try and do more complicated recipes but it was really nice to go back to basics and make a simple sponge. I love baking with Stu, its something different to do together and I think it is really cute that he gets really proud of what we have made at the end. I would love to do more baking this year as I always find it fun, especially if the end result is as tasty as this was. i do still want to make clotted cream in the future – we just need to plan the timing out a bit better 😛

TV/Film:

In February I watched a lot more films then I would regularly. I finally got round to watching The Greatest Showman I borrowed the DVD off my friend Sally-Anne who adores it. I enjoyed it but I think I had seen too much hype about it before watching and it really didn’t live up to that. I also watched Split, I was very skeptical of this film as I watch Multiplicity and Me on YouTube and she believes it wrongly stereotypes people who have DID. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt though but to be honest I just didn’t feel anything about it I was just kind of underwhelmed. The same day I watched Split I decided to watch Waynes World 2 I have seen this film loads of times but I love the cheesiness of Waynes World and its a great film to have on in the background whilst you get other stuff done. The last film I watched in February is The Three Amigos me and Stu watch this every Valentines day as it was the first film we ever watched together. I love buying popcorn and treats and watching this snuggled together – again it is a really cheesy film but it reminds me of Stu now and I love it.

The three main TV shows I watched in February were Afflicted, Banana Fish and Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids. Netflix kept recommending Afflicted to me so I decided that I would bite the bullet and I wasn’t disappointed, everyone in that series was so interesting! Banana Fish is a anime that me and my friend started watching purely because of the unusual name – we then got hooked, this show is really weird but really gripping. Lastly Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids is a TV series that I used to watch when I was a kid and was shocked to hear Stu didn’t. Based on a book series it’s a really unusually dark series for kids and Stu found it really amusing so we ended up watching quite a few. 😛

New light:

After looking for a long time we decided that we should finally get rid of the bare bulb we had hanging in the bedroom. We initially thought about getting a nice lampshade but when we went shopping to look Next had a really interesting light that really caught our eye. Stu did a furniture design course in University and one thing that has always interested him has been light fittings and shades. I initially thought it would be too bright for the bedroom (don’t get me wrong it is very bright) but we both really liked it so got ourselves one anyway. It was a pain to get it fixed and working but I love it now that it is up!

Gritting teeth and panic attacks:

My anxiety came back in full force last month. I have started a bad habit of gritting my teeth when I am stressed something I haven’t been doing since I was a kid. I do it when I am not aware of it and I will wake up with very bad headaches from doing it in my sleep. I am trying to become conscious of the fact I am doing it now and stopping myself but it is so hard! Another thing that I haven’t suffered with since last year is having panic attacks. Last month I had one so bad a colleague had to drive me home I felt so embarrassed but I couldn’t breath and there was no other way of me getting home. Thankfully since then I haven’t had another as bad but that was really tough going as I don’t want the anxiety to rule over my life again.

I hope you have enjoyed reading my little catch ups and that you had a good start to the year!!

Get to know me

Lets catch up… January

Following on from yesterday, today’s blog is about my January, January feels like so long ago now. I can’t believe how fast this year seems to be going already! Me and Stu didn’t really celebrate New year as I had work on New years day and to be honest we kind of always find it is nice to stay in and play video games to give comfort to Wheatley through all the fireworks so I don’t feel like I missed out too much 😛 Anyhow this is how the rest of my January went …

Video games and comic books:

My January was filled with new games to play and new comics to read. I had received some new comics from a series called ‘Giant Days’ at Christmas from Stu’s brother and his fiance, about three girls who attend University and become friends, they have very different personalities and styles to one another and the characters are well fleshed out and interesting. I find the comics really endearing and fun to read. Another comic I received at Christmas was one from a series I have been reading a little longer called ‘Lumberjanes’ about a group of girls who are in a camp together, the comics are really wacky and silly at times but that is what makes it fun to read!

As for video games Me and Stu played a lot of Raft through January and we really got back into playing Sea of Thieves together and we also got ourselves Parkitect and have been building little theme parks – which is really fun. I got myself Paper Mario on the 3DS and I really got into playing that, through Twitch prime I played Orwell: Ignorance is Strength – a game linked to the other surveillance type game I played last year. I also played through the whole of Pikuniku which was a really cute and funny game – I finished it in two days because I couldn’t stop playing. I also played some old Dead or Alive on the PlayStation 3 with my friend Megan – which was really funny because that game isn’t the best. I of course played a lot of Sims 4 as well – I am trying to see how long I can stick to one family and play them through the generations.

Zumba:

In December my friend from work mentioned that one of her friends runs a Zumba class and that we should go together in the new year. I agreed but I didn’t think I would go through with it – me in a room with so many other people working out and showing how bad I am at keeping steps? no thanks. So when January came around and Megan told me that she had booked the first lesson I was so anxious about it but not wanting to let Megan down and wanting to push myself into doing scary stuff I decided to just give it a try. Anyway it really wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be and I have been going ever since. I am really proud of myself for giving it a go and its really encouraged me to try different things – even if I am anxious.

TV Shows:

I watched quite a bit in January. I re-watched the first series of American Horror story as Stu had never seen it and I thought he would enjoy it ( I was right he did) we also started watching Hannibal as he had never seen that either and it is one of my favourite series – I was so sad when it was cancelled. I started to re-watch the whole of New Girl in January as well because it is very easy watching and I adore Zooey Deschanel. I watched through the whole of ‘You’ in a matter of days I really enjoyed it even if it was really unrealistic at times (like you wouldn’t notice he was outside your window with those giant windows!) I also tried to watch Maniac but I watched like 4 episodes and gave up because it just didn’t really grip me, the show was so confusing in tone at times and I just didn’t get it. I also watched through the whole of Instant Hotel – the people in that show were so funny – it was trash TV but I really enjoyed it!

Ikea and ice hockey:

Two things me and Stu promised each other for this year is that we would go on more dates and that we would invest in some new furniture for the flat. So I decided to treat us to go see the Coventry Blaze in January. I am not a big fan of sport but I always love going to see the Ice hockey as it is always a nice atmosphere and the game is really fun to watch. The Coventry hockey rink is right next to a Ikea so it was ideal for us to go there before the match started and come up with some ideas on how we wanted the flat to look – we only ended up buying some lampshades in the end but we came out with loads of ideas that we put into motion in February. I now have a new desk and we have a new TV stand, we also plan to buy more stuff in the future, which is really exciting!

Goodbye Cami:

Unfortunately my parents Staffordshire bull terrier had to be put down in January, it was so hard for all of us as me and my brother had both grown up with her and with my step mum being so ill it was a kick in the teeth that she would have to go. She was such a loving dog but she was getting really old and her legs were giving up on her. She had a long and happy life and that’s all that matters in the end. ❤

Get to know me

Lets catch up… December

As I have missed three months of recapping, I thought that this week I would do three blogs summarising December, January and February and let everyone know what I have been up to in my blog break. So lets catch up on December.

Work madness:

Much like November work was crazy, busy. I am grateful for this because it really took my mind off of worrying about other things and in all honesty it also cemented in my mind that I could now control my anxiety a lot better then I could have in the past. It also makes the shift go a lot faster if it is busy!

A street cat named Bob:

Over December and January I read the two-book omnibus version of A street cat named Bob by James Bowen. In all honesty I had been putting this book off for so long because I know there would be some really sad moments and cats being my favourite animal I know I would get so emotionally invested and find moments hard to read. Well I did, but I still thoroughly enjoyed James’s story. Bob is such an amazing cat and you can tell that he really made a massive impact on James and it is really nice to read about.

Date night:

For the first time in a long time me and Stu went out on a date night to our favourite restaurant the Windmill Inn! Went went on the 28th of December in that limbo time between Christmas and New Year. It was really nice to get out, spend some time together and enjoy ourselves. I had my favourite rice pudding creme brulee for dessert and it did not disappoint.

Advent Calendar

Okay so is it weird to create a category just for my advent calendar!? Stu surprised me with ours and I was completely in love with it made by Lindt and shaped like a giant heart everything on it was written in German but it was filled with the most delicious chocolates and made for a really good decoration. It was also double sided so me and Stu had a side each.

Christmas:

Christmas is normally the main focus in December but to be honest when the day finally came it was not all it cracked up to be. My step mum after being ill since October was really not doing well so the usual upbeat atmosphere I would have gotten from my family in the morning wasn’t really there, still we made the most of it but me and Stu didn’t stay too long to ensure that Denise could get some rest, before my grandma came round and made dinner for them. Me and Stu went to his parents for a lovely Christmas dinner and the evening, we watched Home Alone 2 and Monsters inc. and although it was lovely to be there I struggled with being round so many people and had to have moments by myself by the later part of the evening Stu suffered from a migraine and so we ended up going home earlier then we had planned. This Christmas really put into perspective how much importance I put on one day. I still had a good time but with so much going on even to the lead up of Christmas just didn’t feel right, the first Christmas I just wasn’t in the mood for. Bah humbug.

Gifts:

Although I didn’t have the best Christmas in 2018 I was spoilt. Amongst other things I got new wireless headphones, a travel water bottle, a new cat themed Cath Kidston bag, money, a book token, socks, shower stuff, chocolates and a new tinkerbelle themed dressing gown. I am so grateful to have such a loving and brilliant family.

I have very mixed feelings about last December at times it felt like a really good month but I never felt as Christmassy as I normally would have and it seemed to fly by much faster then in previous years. Tomorrow I will catch everyone up on January thanks for reading this very late post about December!




My thoughts.

Resetting my blog.

I am not happy how I left my blog. I feel like I put so much into it last year and it feels like because of my life taking so many changes (some for better, some for worse) I have lost some of the amazing habits I had picked up from taking time away from a job. I don’t write as much, and my exercise is now down to once every week (although I am getting exercise from working in retail) I need to update my Ebay and Etsy accounts, I am not nearly being as creative as I once was and I am no longer setting myself good everyday goals.

I don’t want all my hard work to form good, healthy, habits to be lost completely so I am going to be pressing the reset button on my blog and hopefully some of my habits its not going to be easy and its all about finding the balance and working round my new commitments.

I just don’t want to give up on writing down how I feel, I think it helped to stop the mess that my brain can be and to make sense of it all last year. I may not be the most interesting, positive or the best writer but I would love for this blog to consistently follow my life – this little break away is just a blip and I am determined to start again. 2019 may have started rocky for me but I am willing to make this year as positive as it can be and document as much as I can.

For everyone still here … thanks and I am sorry I haven’t been the best at this over the last couple of months. 😛

My thoughts.

14/01/2019

The last few months of 2018, the start of this year has been such a mix of bad emotions. So many positive things have happened. Anxiety and depression wise I feel I have been really strong. Anxiety attacks rarely come now and I am not overthinking bus journeys or walking round the supermarket (although I am yet to sit in the staff room) I made a friend at work, that doesn’t come easy for me and I have managed to be offered a permanent position which is something I didn’t think would happen when I first started. I have been getting out of bed everyday and planning out my days. It isn’t the best job in the world by far but I finally feel like me and Stu have the money to spend on dates and new furniture. We went to IKEA the other day and have a good plan for the living room now. Everything seems to be going a lot smoother home wise – I think that is why I haven’t felt the need to update my blog and write down every worried thought and yet I feel guilty whenever I am happy. I don’t want to focus on the fact that you are so ill. I am trying to find small things that my mind can manage to worry about. mess up at work? think about it for weeks, let it keep me up, but really I know that in the background of my mind that I am worrying because you are in hospital, that this illness is not only attacking your body but your wonderful strong personality. Maybe my anxiety is as bad as ever but my defenses are doing a good job of keeping me going? what if I am worse than I think? I am so confused and upset. It’s so unfair and you don’t deserve this happening…