Something I wrote at 1 a.m. this morning.

The last day I looked into your eyes and you were gone and I waited for you to come back but you didn’t.

I waited for the phone to ping, I waited for the door to knock, an invitation to lunch, hell even dinner, but the invite never arrived.

You are missing everything! You can’t see from that box! How dare you leave us. I’m not stable enough to pick up all the mess we all make of our lives.

My dad barely survives. My brother is an emotional rollercoaster that grew up in a day. Why can’t you be here? I wait every day.

I’m sorry, I’m not angry at you but the situation, I don’t know how this happened to such an amazing person, and that feels cliché to say but its true.

I love you, I am drowning in denial come back and help me swim.

Please help me swim.

My brain feels gooey.

I am not 100% sure how to explain it but my brain feels gooey like its been slowly melting over the years and now its that kind of ice-cream soup texture. I am pretty sure I am fucked. Is depression and anxiety really this bad? I can’t focus on anything. I am finding it so hard to function and being out in the world feels fucking terrifying right now. It’s not very warm here today. I have such bad posture, I can’t believe I am so close to 30 and I still don’t know what the fuck is going on. My disassociation is pretty bad today, I didn’t get out of bed until 10 in the morning and I got stuck being confused staring in the mirror when I was brushing my teeth. I am having real trouble with my hands today. There has been someone consistently sawing with one of those really screechy saws this week, it feels like they have been doing it for months, it isn’t very loud really its off in the far distance I think. Sometimes it is so hard to focus my eyes, everything around me feels clouded or blurry. To be honest the only reason why I am writing this is because Stu said it would be good to write something. I think he is trying to help me be less depressed. July is normally my favourite month because it’s my birthday soon, I hope my depression goes by then. I am not sure this post makes the most sense to be honest I might have to delete it when I have a clearer head. Wow I feel the worst.

T.V.

Our T.V. gave out yesterday, it keeps doing this thing where it turns itself off and you have to unplug it for an hour and then plug it back in again because otherwise it just wont turn on. It has been doing it for about 2 weeks now and every time me and Stu say to each other, we are going to have to get a new one. Then yesterday it took longer then usual to fix and over the weekend I had a larger staff discount so we decided to buy new – it’s coming later today.

I cried. I cried over a fucking T.V. breaking, but it’s because Denise helped us get this one. From one of her many friends they were giving it away free as it was ‘too big’ and she helped us bring it home and everything. She got mad at us at first because we didn’t thank her friends properly. (To be fair she was right)

Every time we lose something that she has something to do with, even if it’s just an object it feels like a stab to the heart. It’s like we are moving on and she’s not here to see it. It is such a strange part of grief I never considered before.

RIP T.V, thanks for the 6 years.

Desperate for routine

Sometimes I feel like I’m better at organising my life instead of actually living it. Lists, weekly planners, brief bullet points on what I need to do in the day, in depth breakdown with times on of what I need to do with my day, etc. etc. The thing is I spend good chunks of my life obsessed with planning I cry and have panic attacks if I haven’t got everything done that day (which to be honest is normally just chores – because I don’t actually have anything important to do.) I frantically try to get everything done but then there are days/weeks like this one when I haven’t planned anything out not written one thing down and I aimlessly do one or two important things and the rest of my time is filled with junk and dissociation. Scrolling on my phone becomes the best thing to do, watching endless Youtube and Netflix shows that aren’t even being absorbed seems like the only thing I am capable of.

I think what I am trying to say is that I would love to find a good middle ground. I would love to be productive but not punish myself if I didn’t get something down that day. I would love to be able to trust myself more to do things without writing them down – and in all honestly I would love to live a life that is worth organising, there is only so many times you can write – clean the kitchen today Holly you massive slob and not become depressed when its all you are doing.

In all honesty I think that this is one of those areas in my life where my depression and anxiety like to fight each other a lot. One part of me is consumed with the idea that if I don’t get something done I am a failure. Whilst the other part of me says why the fuck should we bother? it’s never going to get better. You are stuck.

blerh. my legs hurt.

This week…

This week has been tough I have really struggled with doing anything I am in so much pain. I have been having really bad problems with my feet, legs and lower back now for over a year and it really got bad last Thursday. I ended up having to come home from work and going the doctors the next morning. Turns out I have plantar fasciitis, but it is really impacting me when I walk. I feel awful because now I am having to take time off of work to rest and I am not sure it’s even going to be good enough after a week. Its honestly so debilitating to not be able to do something that you have taken for granted most of your life and I am fed up of sitting in my flat not being able to move much, or having the motivation to do anything creative because of my depression not liking getting enough exercise.

I am hoping that can be fixed soon because I feel so useless. Blerh.

Hello again.

Hey long time no see right?

I am going to be honest I kept weighing up if I wanted to completely delete this whole thing and start from fresh… this blog encapsulates a time of my life that is so far removed from who I am now that it’s strange to read back on some of it now. It actually hurts to read back on some of the happier and some of the sadder ones. But I don’t want to delete all those memories, I don’t want to get rid of who I was. Instead I want to keep them as a testament of who I was so instead I am going to continue as if I never left.

I am still working in retail …. but I am working on that. I still have anxiety in fact I probably have more of it now XD I passed my theory test recently so it shouldn’t be too long until I pass my driving test and I still have the fluffiest cat. Oh and the last blog I did … yeah I don’t think I achieved any of it XD

I may have to get back into the swing of writing but I am determined to do so because I really want to and if it means this blog is all over the place then so be it!

Life back on track.

I am very up and down at the moment – there are days where one memory or one event can lead me to wanting to sit in bed and sleep/cry all day and there are days when I feel like I can face little challenges. I want to take days (like today) where I can face the smaller challenges and egg myself on to conquer some larger ones. Therefore I wanted to make a list of things I can still achieve this year (if I am up to it) The reason I don’t want to be too concrete on these things is because I already spend a good amount of time beating myself up over things – I don’t want to add this list to that.

Cook More

I am not a great cook. In fact I barely do it and when I do my boyfriend has to help me a lot in fear that I am going to do something drastically wrong. I want to change this and get more into the habit of knowing how to cook for myself even if it’s the most basic of meals. This will also mean that I am not relying so heavily on Stu and give him a break from having to cook after work.

Try To Keep Things Neater And Cleaner

Chores are something that I wont do if I don’t force myself. Which is weird because on most days once I start cleaning/arranging/sorting I can’t stop and I enjoy my time of mindfulness and that extra boost it gives me after it is finished and the room now looks better for it. I want to be able to make sure I am not leaving things for too long leaving me with a much bigger job then it should be in the end.

Revive My Blog

I know I have been saying this every couple of months this year but I really want to start regularly writing here again. I miss that little feeling of accomplishment and the interaction it brings with people. I want to stop overthinking it though and see my blog as more of a space I can write whenever I feel like it not like I must write on it everyday. I got too much into that mindset and I think that is what put me off writing for a long time.

Do More With My Evenings/ After Work

I think I have to accept I am always going to be tired after work but if I always use that time to sit and stare at the TV/play The Sims 4 I am going to stagnate just because I have been at work does not mean I have to switch my brain off for the rest of the day. I often find that doing things distracts me from stupid thoughts anyway. This goes for evenings as well I often find that when Stu comes home I see that as a sign to stop and be ultra lazy – it’s not good.

Worry Less About Things I Can’t Change

This is going to be a hard one to conquer as I have been struggling with it throughout my life. I am sick of worrying and panicking over situations that can’t be changed by me that goes for worrying about myself or worrying about other people. If something goes bad – it goes bad all I can do is try my best in the situation.

Focus On More Hobbies

Recently I have been slacking with all of my hobbies. One of the main things I want to achieve by the end of this year is to complete the cross stitch I am currently working on. But I really want to start sewing, reading, writing and producing music (a recent addition) more as well. This comes down to using my time more wisely and like I said starting stuff in the evenings.

Get Into More Of A Routine

I need to start doing this for my physical and mental health. I have not been the best at looking after myself recently and I feel like with more of a routine I will be able to think clearer and hopefully set my mind to eating healthier and exercising more. I am so disappointed at myself because I felt like I had really improved with this last year when I didn’t have my job and that I let it slip once Denise became ill. My anxiety does much better when I have a routine I think it is because my brain likes having a plan!

Arrange More Exploring/Doing Days

I want to be able to hold my middle finger up to my anxiety and arrange more days of exploring and trying new things. I want to be scared by things but then think afterwards ‘wow I just did that’ or ‘that day was amazing’ I am nearly 26 and I feel like I have been a hiding in my shell for too long. Also I always feel better for doing things.

Accept That Sometimes I Am Not Going To Feel Great

This one is pretty self explanatory. Some days are going to be shit. None of my days are ever going to be the same without my mum. I just need to take those crap days in my stride and wait them out. I can’t be happy all of the time and striving to be is going to send me loopy. All I can do is live the best I can and not let my depression weigh on me too heavily.

Thanks for reading .

Dear Denise,

Sorry this has taken me so long. I wanted to write to you and for it to be somewhere. This was the only place I could think of that I knew you used to read. In a way it feels silly but the idea kept swirling round in my head. I wish I could have seen you one last time before you left. The only comfort I take from this is that you are no longer in any pain. I spent so long in denial, confident that you would still be here for your next birthday and I would finally get to go on holiday with you, I feel so guilty for not spending enough time with you and giving you all that false hope when they kept sending you home. You left us so fast it still feels unreal. There is so much left unsaid so many moments that I wanted to experience with you. I never imagined I could feel this hollow. Your funeral is on Friday I can’t believe how many people are going to be there. You impacted so many peoples lives. You were so strong and brave and you saved me from myself so many times I can’t even count. I miss your laugh, your Whatsapp messages, you holding my hand when I was nervous, your hugs, and your jokes. I miss how happy my dad was and I miss knowing my brother was going to be alright because he had a great mum. I miss feeling like a complete family and eating lunch with you in town. It still feels like you could turn up or message at any minute. I want to thank you for accepting me as your daughter, I know we were not blood related but I always saw you as mum in my eyes. I want you to know how much of a hero you are in my eyes, you took life head on and you didn’t let anything stop you. I want you to know that pictures and saved messages are not a good substitute and that I want my step mum back. I want to tell you so much. I guess most of this doesn’t really make sense to be writing on a stupid blog, but like I said I didn’t know where else to put it. I miss you Denise. I miss you and I love you so much. it’s nearly been a month and I am still in shock.

I know my writing is a mess, my words not translating my emotion as well I wanted to (I have to be honest the crying – typing technique isn’t helping) but I will endeavour to make you proud, I want to make people as happy as you did. I just hope that maybe I can feel happiness again myself because right now it feels like my heart has stopped and broken into shards.

I miss and love you so much.

12/03/2019

I am not 100% if I want to go back to the more structured way of blogging I used to do or this more stripped back and simple way of blogging – any feedback welcome. I thought I would write like this today as I am in a bit of a hurry I am working the later shift today so I need to be getting ready for work in a couple of minutes and getting myself on the bus. I can’t wait until I can drive !! I wanted to write today though so here we go.

My weekend went rather fast but was nice. I had Saturday off and me and Stu decided to sort through all his clothes. He doesn’t actually have that many but it was good to completely clear out stuff he hasn’t worn in years. We went through mine last month and it was incredible how much I got rid of! We then spent the rest of the day doing light chores and playing Hitman 2 I also did some cross-stitch – I recently got a new pattern featuring a fox and it’s a little bit more detailed then I am used to but I am enjoying it! I had work on Sunday the shift actually went rather fast which I was happy about, we then went to Stu’s parents for Sunday dinner and to do early birthday celebrations for him. We had chocolate cake it was lovely.

Yesterday it was Stu’s birthday, he opened his presents in the morning I got him a mug featuring our favourite ice hockey team, a doodle journal and a Junji Ito book. I had the day off but unfortunately he didn’t, it was okay though because I used the time on my own to make a baked blueberry cheesecake for him. when he got back from work we ordered a Dominoes I had a gluten free pizza as normal pizza hurts my stomach quite a bit and Stu had a cheeseburger pizza I couldn’t resist and had to try a bit, thankfully I haven’t felt sick today! We then just played more Hitman 2.

Maybe not the most interesting of weekends (Mondays) but sometimes it’s nice to just take it a bit easier. Stu doesn’t like his birthdays to be made a big deal out of so I don’t try and force it. Anyway I must rush off now. Thanks for reading!! 🙂

Bonus Wheatley picture.

Lets catch up… February

Today is the last catch up I need to do before I can get back to blogging day to day. I have actually really enjoyed looking back on the months and writing about them I just hope they have been good to read!

New Nintendo 2DS:

In February I got myself to a new 2DS XL as it was on sale on the official Nintendo store with three games for most of the month. I loved my 3DS but I had, had it so long that it was looking a bit worse for wear and bits were falling off it. I wasn’t fussed about getting a system that could still do 3D so with some encouragement from Stu I decided to treat myself. I normally feel quite guilty if I buy myself something a bit more expensive but I am not regretting my purchase one bit. One of the games I received with it was Brain Training and I have been really enjoying playing that and as it is backwards compatible with old DS games I was able to find my old theme park game and play that too. 🙂

Vanilla sponge:

Me and Stu decided we wanted to make clotted cream in February but 4 or 3 days before the whipped creams best buy date we decided that it was just too much hassle, so we instead whipped it up and used it in a sponge cake, and it was so delicious, normally when I bake I try and do more complicated recipes but it was really nice to go back to basics and make a simple sponge. I love baking with Stu, its something different to do together and I think it is really cute that he gets really proud of what we have made at the end. I would love to do more baking this year as I always find it fun, especially if the end result is as tasty as this was. i do still want to make clotted cream in the future – we just need to plan the timing out a bit better 😛

TV/Film:

In February I watched a lot more films then I would regularly. I finally got round to watching The Greatest Showman I borrowed the DVD off my friend Sally-Anne who adores it. I enjoyed it but I think I had seen too much hype about it before watching and it really didn’t live up to that. I also watched Split, I was very skeptical of this film as I watch Multiplicity and Me on YouTube and she believes it wrongly stereotypes people who have DID. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt though but to be honest I just didn’t feel anything about it I was just kind of underwhelmed. The same day I watched Split I decided to watch Waynes World 2 I have seen this film loads of times but I love the cheesiness of Waynes World and its a great film to have on in the background whilst you get other stuff done. The last film I watched in February is The Three Amigos me and Stu watch this every Valentines day as it was the first film we ever watched together. I love buying popcorn and treats and watching this snuggled together – again it is a really cheesy film but it reminds me of Stu now and I love it.

The three main TV shows I watched in February were Afflicted, Banana Fish and Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids. Netflix kept recommending Afflicted to me so I decided that I would bite the bullet and I wasn’t disappointed, everyone in that series was so interesting! Banana Fish is a anime that me and my friend started watching purely because of the unusual name – we then got hooked, this show is really weird but really gripping. Lastly Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids is a TV series that I used to watch when I was a kid and was shocked to hear Stu didn’t. Based on a book series it’s a really unusually dark series for kids and Stu found it really amusing so we ended up watching quite a few. 😛

New light:

After looking for a long time we decided that we should finally get rid of the bare bulb we had hanging in the bedroom. We initially thought about getting a nice lampshade but when we went shopping to look Next had a really interesting light that really caught our eye. Stu did a furniture design course in University and one thing that has always interested him has been light fittings and shades. I initially thought it would be too bright for the bedroom (don’t get me wrong it is very bright) but we both really liked it so got ourselves one anyway. It was a pain to get it fixed and working but I love it now that it is up!

Gritting teeth and panic attacks:

My anxiety came back in full force last month. I have started a bad habit of gritting my teeth when I am stressed something I haven’t been doing since I was a kid. I do it when I am not aware of it and I will wake up with very bad headaches from doing it in my sleep. I am trying to become conscious of the fact I am doing it now and stopping myself but it is so hard! Another thing that I haven’t suffered with since last year is having panic attacks. Last month I had one so bad a colleague had to drive me home I felt so embarrassed but I couldn’t breath and there was no other way of me getting home. Thankfully since then I haven’t had another as bad but that was really tough going as I don’t want the anxiety to rule over my life again.

I hope you have enjoyed reading my little catch ups and that you had a good start to the year!!